My Journey Through Transitional Loss

              There is an image circulating the internet, “Military kids will have to say goodbye to more significant people by age 18 than the average person has to in their entire life time” – source unknown.

Ouch! That pains me so much for my kids. Honestly, it even sort of grieves my heart. For example,

I couldn’t get the pedicure.

I am usually down for a good salt scrub rub, and some de-funkified toes, but I’ve always de-funkified with her. She just wasn’t there anymore. She was, and then with a snap-of-a-finger, she wasn’t.

I couldn’t get the pedicure.

I’d look down at my damaged polish and it was though it was a metaphor for my life. I quickly shifted my thoughts to something less painful, less painful than polish…

Pathetic.

It was as though with every wiping stroke that removed the already ruggedly outdated, chipped polish, I slowly but surely wiped her away from my life, and I just couldn’t bear the removal. She was my person. Don’t get me wrong, God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends in life, but once in a while you meet a person that is a real game-changer. This person was not just a game-changer for me, she was a game-changer for many, but make no mistake she was my person.

So, what was I to do?

The Kübler-Ross model shows the five stages of grief as:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

This dear friend and I had close communal friends, the Fearless Four we’d bravely called ourselves. (To this day I don’t know how I made it into a group that deemed themselves fearless). I mistakenly thought we would just be the Fearless Three, because I fear. Or perhaps, the fearless four, once removed because she was leaving us. A bit like that once removed cousin back in Mississippi that we rarely speak of. Once removed, because she was literally removed from our lives, but also because she could not be replaced. We would push away the pain by subtracting each other even more from one another’s lives in a calculable way. At least, I know I did. It’s painful to lose pieces of yourself. It is easier to do basic math, reducing the equation to come out just a little bit smaller. It’s simple math really. All of your friends leave and you slowly subtract them. It is hard to keep these connections over time.

DENIAL:

I went through the denial process by thinking I could replace her with communal friends and while I love these dear friends, they just weren’t her.

ANGER:

I think I sort of skipped this step. Generally I struggle in this area anyway. I’m a bit like the Hulk in the Marvel Universe, “That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always angry.” I’m learning to prune away these venomous branches, but if you start angry, you don’t work your way up to getting there, you just are. Turns out, anger for me came much later in the process and not at her per se, but just at the challenge of it all.

BARGAINING:

I am a bargain shopper. I am great at maximizing purchases and stretching my dollar pretty far, if I do say so myself. So, I just began the shopping process again. It would take no time to research, pursue, and make the final purchase, but as it turns out, it is not currently a buyer’s market. I don’t mean to liken this beautiful friendship to mere consumerism but let’s face it, we are in a consumer culture and when a need is not met we look for the next ‘fix’ ahem… ,‘purchase’, ‘addiction’, etc., to meet it.

DEPRESSION:

Depression, me? No way.

The dictionary defines depression as feelings of severe despondency and dejection. When I first read that, I quickly determined that was not me at all. As it turns out, despondency signifies a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage. Dejection conveys a sad and depressed state; low spirits. Maybe this was me.

Nope, this is definitely me!

If there is one thing this dear friend did for me, it was give me courage. I found that when she left, my courage left with her. She was my courage. Only I did not know it, until my courage was gone. So, now I am working through my courage deficiency, i.e. fear, all over again but this time on my own. And that is okay because there is an ultimate giver of good gifts that has courage in store just for me, if I will simply take it. It is likely laid up in His storehouse that I neglect to seek and ask for. I am figuring out how to take courage in this season of life! It is a little bit tricky.

A storehouse is a place of storage for the purpose of gathering surplus or extra, to have more than enough for your own need, so that others’ needs can be met. The Lord Almighty has more than enough courage as a surplus laid up just for me, and not just for me, but for me to bless you too and vice versa. That’s the kind of Father we serve. A Father of great surplus. Did you know there are 100 bible verses testifying we have not because we ask not? Dear Lord, give me the courage to ask you for courage, for you have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

ACCEPTANCE:

I am still floundering a bit in this stage. Acceptance means I consent, and I haven’t agreed to all the terms and conditions quite yet.

This is transitional loss bordering a transactional loss.

I hate that I process pain in this way.

We face this a lot as military spouses.

So how do we journey to these storehouses laid up for us, instead of dwelling in our deficit? I testify that we shift focus to the Owner of the storehouse. The storehouse like the cup, is not half empty. It’s overflowing with blessing!

We lack mostly because we focus on the lack instead of the provision.

May I seek the Owner of the storehouse fiercely, knowing any blessing therein is minimal, compared to the blessing of the Giver Himself.