Identity Loss

Reckless Love

I keep having dreams that I’ve lost my children. They are with me one brief moment and the next, they are gone. This catastrophe is usually a result of one bad choice I made, one small oversight. Utter panic ensues and I become frantic. I never find them. I wake up feeling desperate and alone, quite certain I have failed as a mother. I did not think much about it the first time I dreamt it, but now that it plays on repeat, I pay attention. I intend to rewrite this story (even if it is only in my subconscious).

I have considered possible reasons for the dream. I believe God gave me clarity on it this morning. Deep, deep down, in this winter season I am in, I fear my heavenly father has abandoned me. I attempt to sleep, but the nightmare plays on repeat in the loss of my children. They cannot hear me, and I cannot hear Him.

Just last year, the Lord would wake me from sleep to speak over me a message or a warning. This year I can barely hear the faintest of His whispers. I had gotten so used to the burning bush experiences. I have to put these stirring lies in my mind and dreams to rest and believe He is assuredly there even though I cannot hear Him the same way I once did. Did you know one antonym of abandonment is reckless? God’s love is reckless but it never leaves, never forsakes. It stays when most go. This love of His never abandons.

Family Ties

My little sister is coming to visit. Before bed last night, I found myself reflecting on the history of our shared sisterhood. We have not always been close, but as of late I feel closer to her than ever before. We seem to be in the same prophetic season, spiritually. Any other time in our history, it seemed we shared a place of competition or comparison, but right now we share a place of belonging, together in Christ. It got me thinking, what has changed so dramatically? What is quietly bonding us now, that has not before?

We are both living in the valley of an unfulfilled promise.
We are in a shared place of valley lows, while attempting to authentically live at mountain highs.

A Place of Worship

My family found a church home. We did not even have have to discuss it once we found it. We just knew. We are a military family so we are often searching for a ‘church home.’ Not unlike our search for a physical home. We finally found it but not without a two-year arduous journey. We are in this incredible series titled, Forward. This week we were challenged to celebrate even when our hearts are prone to complaint. The prior week, we were challenged to push toward the promises of God. We cannot reach forward while clinging to what stretches behind.

Perspective

All of this got me thinking, how can we live as though we are already in the promised-land flowing with milk and honey, when we are actually living in the land of manna, the land of “What is it”? When what it is, happens to be God’s provision, albeit not the way we expected it or perhaps hoped for. A ‘plenty’ perspective can be a challenge when living in the wasteland, but ironically the very thing that removes us from desert living is in fact us. Why do we so often get in our own way?

It is staggering how many of God’s plentiful promises were delayed by our own disobedience or unbelief.

Lord I believe, help my unbelief (Mark 9:24).

Poverty Mindset

I live in poverty. Let me explain: I live as though I am en route to provisionally abundant promises and my faithless response to God- “What is this”?

I complain. I am prone to complaint. Complaint to me is like an old familiar friend. I open my mouth and the words just flow out, because they have touched my lips before. They know this land. They find their comfort in the familiar, even if the familiar is bondage.

Identity Crisis

I’ve never had my identity stolen, not the way we know of it culturally, but there lurks a robber in dark alleys nearby, attempting to steal, to kill, and to destroy my identity. I live like I am in a consistent process of being robbed, as if there were a Prada purse on my shoulder filled with abundance, but the thief is always en route, ready to tear it off of me.

I want to live like that purse could just fall off and everything would still be okay. Like perhaps the weight of carrying it is not even necessary. What a heavy load I carry in my injured and impoverished mind, on my weighted and heavy-laden arms. Would it truly be life-altering, if it were stolen away anyway? To steal an identity, one has to deeply know who they are. Can I even come so far?

But this is the battle of my identity crisis…the enemy needs me to think if I lose that purse, the arm, the life even (God forbid), if I lose the weight of whatever I am holding in there, life as I know it, would be over. If I could make a mental shift, hold each thought captive, could I just lay that purse down? Could I give it up? Could I simply let the enemy have it? There is likely nothing in there that I need to hold on to anyway. If I would allow the Lord to remove the fear of my baggage being stolen by the enemy lurking in the alleyways, perhaps I could really live in any land, knowing the promises are still on the horizon.

I lose sight in the land of longing before the fulfillment of the promises of God.

Truth Foretold

I don’t know what your promise is. I know the ultimate promises of God are the same for every believer, life-eternal and abundant. If it feels like you are in a land of lack, that is not by the provisional hand of the Lord. It is the enemy and the only way to stop him is to take possession of your land, by faith. It’s why the Lord often tells us to take courage; most of us don’t have extra courage just lying around. We are often way too passive in our spiritual battles. We take a fetal positional stance, instead of drawing up our swords. There will always be giants in the land that God has promised, threatening to keep you from His fulfillment.

Get up.

Take possession.

“A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow” – John 10:10 (TPT)

Overflow.
That is abundant living at it’s finest.

In researching the life of the Israelites I was reminded the journey was never intended to be a forty-year journey. Forty years was a result of their unwillingness to take the land. What should have taken days took years. They personally did not ever receive the blessing intended for them. When I apply my personal life journey similarly of not believing God for the promise, I realize I have faithlessly blamed God for the long, arduous journey, instead of the Israelites for their lacking faith. 

I know what God’s word says, but somewhere in my mind He was not the God of provision but of pain.

It took the Israelites forty years to be ready. If we have faith, we can move mountains. They did not inherit the land because they lacked faith. They were a disobedient people. They let fear win.

“He answered, “Because of your little faith [your lack of trust and confidence in the power of God]; for I assure you and most solemnly say to you, if you have [living] faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and [if it is God’s will] it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.” – Matthew 17:20 (AMP)

It got me thinking if they had moved just a bit sooner (say twenty years) to take the land, could they have possibly still possessed it? God did not allow them to take the promised land because they were not ready. His promise did not change; their confidence did. Yet they would die in that wilderness of unbelief because if their lack of readiness.

If their perspective was that they were grasshoppers in their own promised land, they’d never be giants of faith in a land of lack or in a land of plenty.

My identity, who I am in Christ, promises me a land flowing with abundance; it promises me room in my Father’s house (John 14). My identity must be fought for. In the words of pastor Brent Caddell, “the enemy can only deal in the past, whispering reminders of who you were, not who you are going to be.”

My identity is secure in Him. The moment my identity finds itself dwelling in false perceptions instead of God realities, my confidence begins to waiver. I am a daughter of the King; that is all I need to set my insecurities in, the bold confidence of that truth.

A Prayer for Today

Lord I believe, help my unbelief (Mark 9). Help me to trust the good, provisional hand of my Shepherd who leads me in loving kindness. I don’t serve a God of abandonment. I serve a God who never leaves, never forsakes. Lord as you set my paths of not yet fulfilled promises, keep my eyes fixed on you, the Author and Perfecter of my Faith. Keep my eyes on your promise to come, no matter the time it takes to obtain it, but, Lord, give me a believing heart that knows that promise is mine for the taking.

Remind me the only reason I may wait on your promise is at my own feeble hands or failing heart of unbelief and lack of faith. Give me confidence that I am not living in the valley manna of ‘what is it’, of the unfulfillment of your promises but on my journey toward a land overflowing with milk and honey where your promise awaits. Give me faith to move the mountains in the way of your promise.

Don’t let me dwell in this wasteland, however at home I may feel in my fears that take me back to slavery. I refuse to live within your good-natured provision of manna, complaining against you, when you have promised abundance, and I refuse to take it because it comes in a form I don’t understand.

I know my identity, and it is not wrapped up in self-love, but in Savior surrender. I’m laying down the purse and all that is within it; the Devil can have it; there is nothing in here that I want or need. I will no longer be afraid in dark alleys of the soul because they are just a distraction toward my final destination. There is nothing to fear in them. If I have to lay down this unnecessary heaviness of what I carry then I trust that you, my God, are all I need to help me pick up the remaining and broken pieces. That purse was likely full of baggage I should no longer carry anyway.

I will not fear the journey because I know the final destination. The journey is what produces perseverance and character, which I will need in the next stage of the trek.

I know your plans are good. Plans to prosper, not to bring harm. I will trust your hand of providence. The truth of your word is hidden deep in my heart and fear cannot live there anymore! Amen.